like Bob: Bathroom humor

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Bathroom humor

Lt loves letters. He knows them all and I think his favorite is "X" or maybe "M". We're still working on the alphabet song and it's pretty cute. Wait a second, he has the whole tub to himself here...where is D???

"Be right there! Just checking on tomorrow's weather!"

1 comment:

rsheedy said...: LOL! Love those kids!; 10:08 PM

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Who says?

12/4/13
D: "Does Santa do facebook?"

11/20/13
Me: "Nono, look at that little school bus!"
Nono: "It's so small it has lots of little teeny babies on it!"

11/2/13
Nono: "The moon is following us."

10/15/13
Nono: "Hey, there's the moon!"
Me: "What's the moon doing?"
Nono: "Just drinking some juice."

9/4/13
Nono: "My bellybutton is the moon."

8/10/13

Playing a game...

Paul: "I'm going to take you guys to school!"

Nono: " Yay! I love school!!"

6/23/13

Lt: "I close my eyes to go to sleep but all I can think about is presents."

6/18/13

Nono: "This lemonade popsicle is good Darth Vader is Anakin."

6/3/13

Lt: "I have too many ladies." (ladybugs)
----
Lt: (9:57 p.m.) "Daddy, I can't sleep because I keep dreaming about ladybugs."

5/31/13

Me: "Do you hear those baby birds? They're saying, 'Mommy, come feed us! We're hungry!'"

Nono: "Ya, but the mommy bird is in the shower."

4/10/13

Lt: "What do woodpeckers eat??"

Nono: "Um, worms! And macaroni!!"

4/8/13

Lt saw some ducks outside this morning... "What?! There are ducks on this planet??!"

3/18/13
Nono: "I stuck my finger in it and it was a honey booger."

3/6/13
Me: "We should try some coconut oil on his bum for his diaper rash."
Lt: "Does it make mohawks in his bum?"

1/20/13
Lt: "Bear's eyebrows are growing in! They are gray! He looks fancy with those eyebrows."

12/14/12
Me: "Is that a booger on your finger?!"
Nono: "Yes, that's mine peanut butter booger."

12/4/12
Lt: "Mom, can you get me another Christmas book? The one about baby Cheesus?"

11/28/12
A collaboration of baby names suggested by the boys:

- Snow
- Frank
- Chocolate
- Daisy
- Foxy
- Charlie
- Sunny (or Sonny?)
- Thomas (as in the train)
- Jake
- Lucy the Moose
- Teddy
- Dets
- Tack

11/24/12
Nono had a bloody nose at some time in the night or early morning. When Paul got him out of his crib he took him to the bathroom to clean him up. Nono looked in the mirror and said, "Me have chocolate runny nose."

10/15/12
Nono: "Easy peasy macarooney"

9/21/12
Lt: "Mom! My poop looks like a phone call!"
----
Me: "Do you know where milk comes from?"
Lt: "The farm?"
Me: "Yes, and do you know where on the farm?"
Lt: "No."
Me: "It comes from cows!"
Lt: "And Costco!!"

7/15/12
D: "I want to play lady birth."
Me: "It's called labyrinth."
D: "I like lady birth better."

Me: "D, why don't you sit in the tree all day and chase that squirrel away."
D: "Then I wouldn't get any breakfast or lunch!"

6/25/12
D was looking at a globe and Paul showed him where China is... "Hey, that's where all my toys come from!!"

5/7/12
D: "Look! It's a Chinese wiener dog!!"
Me: "You mean a chihuaua..."
----
First thing in the morning...
Lt: "My diaper is dry!"
Paul: "It's a Christmas miracle!"
D: "It would be a Christmas miracle if he pooped on the toilet."
----
While swinging...
D: "I like being up off the ground."
Me: "Maybe you can fly airplanes when you grow up."
D: "No, I want to be a comic stripper."
----
Lt: "Guess how much money I have!"
Me: "I don't know how much money you have."
Lt: "30 pounds"
----
D: "I wish general conference was just Pokemons speaking."
----
D: "No copying Lt. It's against the rules of conference."

3/21/12
Paul: "There you go, sir!"
Lt: "I'm not syrup!!"

3/12/12

Me: "Wow, D! You're so strong! How much does that weigh?"

D: "100 libs!!!" (It was a bag of grass seed - 10 lbs.)

2/24/12

D: "Can Lt look at Tiny Zoo (game) since he didn't use the potty?"

Me: "Nope."

Lt: "No!!!!"

D: "The rules are simple."

2/13/12
Paul: "Lt, can you put the milk in the fridge?"
Lt: "I shut it (put the lid on) so it won't die."
----
D: "I love to play Xbox!"
Lt: "Ya! I love to play Fox News!"

1/10/12
Me: "Lt, do you see that big truck? What truck is that?"
Lt: "The PMS man!!"

12/20/11
D (singing a line from the popular Christmas song "Angels We Have Heard on High"): "Gloria, eat at Chelsea's dinner..."
----
D and Lt's version of "Deck the Halls":

Deck the halls with falls of glory
Fa la la la la la la la la
Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la la la la la
Holly rankers, Justin Beaver
Fa la la la la la la la la

12/14/11
While we were driving to the library one day D was slowly and methodically counting (and would not be interrupted or distracted). After he reached 100 he said, "Mom! I went that whole time without swallowing any spit once!! Pretty cool, right?"
----
While we were eating at Applebee's...
D: "Why is it called Applebee's? Probably because they like apples and it's made out of beehives - except for the doors and windows." Of course.
----
D: "I need some skinny jeans for my skinny legs."
----
Lt had a huge burp during lunch one day...
Me: "What do you say?"
Lt: "Thank you!"
----
Lt: "Me and my tummy are getting bigger and bigger!!"

11/2/11
D: "Thanks mom, you're the best! Everybody's the best, except for bad guys..."

10/11/11
D: "I'm trying to read this book to No-no but he won't concentrate!"
----
D: "It's 6:36...the 3 is trapped!!"

10/9/11
D: "Eight o'clock, time to stock."
Paul: "What does stock mean?"
D: "Goof around in the bathtub."

9/28/11
D: "Is this a secret code????"
Paul: "No...it's sandpaper..."

7/7/11
D: "Can I get a Calvin and Hobbes bed?"
Me: "Where would you get a Calvin and Hobbes bed?"
D: "At the Calvin and Hobbes store."
Me: "Oh. I've never seen that store before, have you?"
D: "It's in Oklahoma."
Me: "How do you know that?"
D: "I saw it in the dictionary. I secretly looked when you weren't looking."

6/12/11
Paul: "Lt, where did your food go?"
Lt: "In my mouth!"
Paul: "Where did it go after that?"
Lt: "In my tummy!"
Paul: "And where did it go after that?"
Lt: "In my nipples!"

4/13/11
After D and I washed the lunch dishes...
Me: "My nose is soooo itchy all of a sudden!"
D: "My hand is really itching too! Do you think we're allergic to really hot water??"
-----
Paul: "Bath time D!"
D: "I don't want to take a bath. I want you to vacuum me clean."

4/12/11
Paul: "D, you're going to be six this year!"
D: "I know - then I can hit home runs!"

4/4/11
D: "I'm the boss of the cereal."
----
Me: "D, let's clean up all this stuff."
D: "Why??"
Me: "Because it's just sitting there and you never ever play with it."
D: "Well I'm keeping it there in case of an emergency."
----
Putting the little boys to bed...me and No-no are in their room saying goodnight...Paul leaves the room and turns out the light...
D: "Hey!! We've got a baby in here!!!"

3/23/11
Me: "Lt, who's coming on Thursday?"
Lt: "Nana!! Papa!! Jimmer!!!!"

3/2/11
D: "Mom, do I look like Justin Beaver? ... Who's Justin Beaver??"

2/15/11
D: "Dad you shouldn't cut down trees because they are made out of paper!!"
----
For Valentine's Day we made heart-shaped cookies and heart-shaped calzones...
D: "Mom, those heart cookies made my heart burn for heart pizza."

1/6/10
D: "Dad! My poop smells like Play-Doh!"

12/15/10
Lt: "Joy to the Word World!"

D says

10/22/10
D (smelling a bowl of freshly popped popcorn): "Mmmmm...smells like life!"

10/18/10
D: "Are Nana and Papa coming next week?"
Paul: "Yes. And they are bringing a friend. She is from Holland. She speaks Dutch. Maybe she can teach you how to say 'hello' in Dutch."
Me: "That would be cool and then you could show your class how to say it for show-and-tell."
Paul: "Or you could just take her for show-and-tell!"
D: "Except she won't fit in my backpack."
----
Paul (to D and Lt): "You guys are pretty amazing!"
D: "And funny too?"

9/15/10
Lt was blocking D's shot as he was trying to throw marbles...
D: "You're killing my dreams!!"

8/26/10
Today Paul was moving D's bed...
D: "Man, there are a lot of tissues under my bed. I must be the tissue master!"

8/23/10
D and Lt like to play with blankets and pillows. They will gather up every pillow in the house and their blankets and make a huge pile. Sometimes they jump in it, other times they wrestle, and I guess sometimes they pretend like the blankets are water...
D: "Cover me up with the waters of Mormon!"
----
D: "What are you guys building?"
Uncle Jeff: "A tower. A tower of power."
D: "Jesus power!"

8/22/10
Upon Paul's arrival home...
D: "You smell like Jon's wedding!"
----
Me: "Did you brush your teeth yet?"
D: "Ya and I flattened them out with a comb."
(He literally was combing his teeth...with a comb...for hair.)

8/17/10
Me: "Did you see my picture on facebook?"
Paul: "No, I was sitting right by my boss in the meeting."
D: "Bosses are the worst."
----
Today D and I were playing 20 questions. After I finally guessed his animal - giraffe - I told him what a good animal that was to use because it took me a long time to figure it out...
D: "Jesus said to."
Me: "Said to what?"
D: "Jesus said to choose giraffe."

8/16/10
"That's an excellent baby that we have. He sleeps through everything!"
----
D playing baseball...
"I just crushed that ball - Buster Posey style."
----
Me: "D! Look! There's the squirrel on the fence!"
D: "We should scare it away with this (insert toot noise)!"

7/31/10
Paul: "The Giants are on TV today. I wonder who's pitching..."
D: "Probably Dave Matthews."
----
Today D was holding the baby...
"I pushed his hair forward so it looks like this, like an English baby."
----
D: "I don't like to get shots."
Me: "Nobody likes to but it's important so that you don't get sick."
D: "I already knew that."
Me: "You did? How did you know that?"
D: "Somebody told me. A bird told me."

7/25/10
Me: "D, do you want to try some of this pasta? It's just noodles with white cheese on them."
D: "No. I don't like those noodles."
Me: "How do you know you don't like them?? You've never tried them!"
D: "Yes I have."
Me: "When?!?"
D: "Last night in my dream."
----
D: "Can I have some chocolate milk with my lunch?"
Paul: "Hmm...I don't know. Is it Pioneer Day?"
D: "Yes!!"
Paul: "Then I guess you can!"
D: "Because chocolate milk is brown like the pioneers' clothes were brown!"
----
Lieutenant left a slightly chewed on sticker on my bed. I didn't know what it was and so I asked D to find out. He grabbed it and said, "Ew gross! This has Wikipedia on it!!"

7/12/10
"Mom, I like reading the words on the side [of this blog]. They are delicious!

5/22/10
Me: "D are you going to sing at your preschool graduation?"
D: "Ya. But what if I forget the words?"
Me: "You won't forget the words. And all the other kids around you will be singing so you can remember by listening to them if you need to."
D: "But what if my foot itches??"

5/11/10
Paul got some stickers for D at the bank. When he got home he pretended that he found the stickers in D's ear...
D: "That's what's been bothering my ear!"

5/3/10
D: "I'm glad you're back at work dad."
Paul: "Why??"
D: "Because I need you to pay me lots of money. I need my money jar to be filled all the way up - so work really hard!!"

4/21/10
Me: "I don't know if this is water all over Lieutenant's pants or if pee leaked out!!"
D: "You should buy Huggies Cruisers." (I think it's Pampers, but the boy loves his commercials!)
----
D: "Mom! Lieutenant's awake and he's sitting up!!"
Me: "Are you awake???"
D: "NO!"

4/13/10
D: "How do you say 'quesadilla' in Spanish?"
Paul: "Quesadilla is actually a Spanish word. It comes from Mexico - that's what people eat in Mexico."
D: "Thank you Mexico!!!!!"

4/6/10
D: "Where are you going dad?"
Paul: "To my meeting."
D: "I just deleted your meeting!"

4/5/10
(While D was on the toilet...sorry...)
"Here comes the poop! Wait, it's not coming...I think it forgot something..."

3/8/10
"Snacks just needs two pounds of milk then he can make us a banana squash."

3/4/10
"The snow filled up the whole neighborhood!"

02/28/10
After D was done eating breakfast one morning...
"I need to get down so I can go pee and brush my teeth...just for spite!"

02/12/10
While watching the opening ceremony for the Olympics...
"Running and fire...that sounds dangerous!"

01/2/10
D and Paul were watching a college football game and the camera cut to a close-up of some cheerleaders...
"Uh...so much ladies yelling!!"
----
Me: "Come here Willy Wonka!"
D: "I'm not Willy Wonka!"
Me: "Well then come here superhero squad!"
D: "I'm not superhero squad!"
Me: "Well that's what it says on your undies..."
D: "I'm not a superhero. Superheroes don't brush their teeth!"
----
Me: "Go tell daddy to get the ice cream out of the freezer so it gets soft."
D: "Okay..."
D: "He already took it out!"
Me: "He did?!? Wow!"
D: "He's a pretty smart guy."

12/28/09
Paul: "I can't wait to get some new slippers for Christmas!"
D: "How do you know what you're getting for Christmas?"
Paul: "I know everything!"
D: "No you don't! You have a small brain - it's like this big!"
----
Paul: "D, what do you want for breakfast?"
(D toots)
D: "My fart told me that I want Kix for breakfast."
----
D was hanging out with Nana in the morning while she was putting on her makeup...
D: "You look like an old man. Except with more hair."

12/15/09
D: "...24...25...26...27...28...29..."
Me: "And you can count all the way to 100!"
D: "Ya...but I have to go poop."

12/5/09
Paul: "What should we get mommy for Christmas?"
D: "A new daddy!"

11/24/09
Today the FedEx man came and I had to sign for a package. When he was leaving I told him to have a good day. D surprisingly chimed in...
D: "Have a great day!"
FedEx man: "Thanks!"
Me: "Bye!"
D: "Bye-bye!"
FedEx man: "Bye!"
Me: "D, that was really great that you were so nice to the FedEx man. You probably really made his day."
D: "Ya, he's probably going to go home and tell his mommy that D said 'goodbye' to him today."
Me: "Probably!"
----
D: "My dinosaur wants to eat some cheese."
Paul: "Your dinosaur has to pay me five dollars if he wants to eat my cheese."
D: "Okay."
Paul: "Where's he going to get five dollars?"
D: "He's going to get it out of his mommy's tummy."

11/19/09
Paul and D were reading books before bed. Right in the middle of the first story...
D: "Ooooh that's nasty!"
Paul: "What??"
D: "Your breath."

11/18/09
Papa was listening to the Reggae music station...
D: "Is this Spanish??"
----
Anytime we go anywhere lately, upon our return home...
D: "It's so good to get back to the Cretaceous."

11/6/09
Me: "Hey D, share some of your snacks with your brother. Give him a Toasted Cinnamon Square - he loves those!"
D (in a very salesman-like voice): "Here Snacks, have a Chex. They're really good - they have holes in them!"

10/26/09
"Hey dad, does 'gamble' mean 'fart' in Spanish?"

10/15/09
I was explaining to D that the Dimetrodon was not a dinosaur but a reptile, like a lizard is a reptile...
Me: "Dimetrodon was a reptile, like a lizard, that lived a long time ago with the dinosaurs."
D: "Oh man! We never ever get to see any lizards. Except on TV? Geico?"

10/14/09
Today me and D were shooing a fruit fly...
Me: "D, where did it go?"
D: "I don't know. It probably headed north with some other fruit flies."

10/11/09
Paul: "Are you going to try some of the roast tonight?"
D: "I'll try it and if I don't like it I'll just poop it out."
----
On the phone...
D: "Jeff, hurry and get here so you can eat some meat."
Jeff: "What kind of meat is it?"
D: "Dead meat. That probably means you're an omnivore."

10/10/09
"Wow dad, you have so much hair on your arms! And it's all going to come off when you take a shower."
----
"I ate so many puffs I'm going to poop a big ol' puff poop!"

10/8/09
"Dad, can you get me some more milk and get my crusty boogers too please?"

9/27/09
D: "It's so hot!"
Me: "Ya. It's super hot today."
D: "How come?"
Me: "Because it's so sunny."
D: "How come? Because it's Sunday?"

9/22/09
Me: "D! Did you put your big car carrier on the couch?"
D: "Yes."
Me: "Wow! How did you do that?"
D: "I probably just used my imagination."
----
At roughly 4:00 a.m...
"I don't want to watch Nacho [Libre]!"

9/21/09
Me: "D are you going to have a good day at preschool tomorrow?"
D: "Yes. And I'm not going to cry because I usually don't cry on Mondays."

9/13/09
Me: "How about we go outside to stretch our legs and get some fresh air?"
D: "I already got some fresh air from my smoothie."

9/12/09
D: "Play a nighttime one." (ringtone on my cell phone)
Me: "Is this a nighttime one?"
D: "No. Number 7 is - because it's the patient one."
----
Me: "Oh D! I'm putting your pajamas on backwards! I'm the worst dude!"
D: "You're not a dude. You're a woman."

9/6/09
"Daddy you better must get your sandals from outside or they will get sunburned."

9/1/09
Me: "Snacks probably thinks we're going to the doctor."
D: "Why?"
Me: "Because usually when we take him anywhere in the car it is to the doctor's."
D: "He probably thinks we are going to the library."
Me: "Why would he think that?"
D: "I guess he just felt it in his heart."
----
Uncle Jeff: "If you sleep in your bed all night maybe you'll get a surprise in your piggy bank."
D: "Papa already put a surprise in there. It's called money."

8/30/09
Today D was trying to fill up one of his trains at the new gas station he got for his birthday...
"Where's this guy's gas-hole?"

8/17/09
D: "Mom!"
Me: "What?!"
D: "Can you come get me in this toy?" (one of those stationary entertainers for babies)
Me: "Are you a baby?"
D: "I'm a big boy baby!"

8/13/09
"It's starting to get sunny again. And it sounds like the thunder is going to Hawaii."

8/12/09
Today D was telling me about how he had surgery on his knee (like Paul) and therefore needed some crutches...
D: "We should get me some crunches [crutches] for my knee."
Me: "Where are we going to get you some crutches?"
D: "From the Little Crunches Store for Kids."

8/11/09
D: "I want Nana and Papa to go home and eat breakfast at their house."
Me: "Why?"
D: "Because I don't want them to eat all of the cantaloupe."
Me: "They aren't going to eat all the cantaloupe."
D: "But there are only two left!"
Me: "There is only one left."
D (super whiny voice): "For the loss..."

8/1/09
Paul: "Who's ready for bed?"
D: "Not me!!"
----
"Mmmmm...butter water...
----
"Daddy you're probably losing."
----
Papa: "I have an owie."
D: "Why?"
Papa: "I hurt myself doing something dumb."
D: "I know how it is."

7/29/09
In preparation for a trip to Nana & Papa's...
D: "Oh no, but we're going to skip Little Bill!" (Little Bill is a TV show.)
Me: "Oh, ya. Well should we just stay home then and not go?"
D: "No! Let's go! Maybe Nana and Papa will just have a Little Bill CD we can watch."
Me: "Maybe. But I don't think they do."
D: "Maybe we can just go to the Little Bill store when we get there and pick up a CD."
Me: "Maybe. I don't know if there is a Little Bill store there. Have you ever seen a Little Bill store while we have been shopping?"
D: "There is one it's really far away. Way past Caliente. Like 16 miles."

7/21/09
"I don't like real water, it makes me achy and itchy."

7/14/09
Me: "The dinosaurs were here a long, long time ago, before there were any people."
D: "Like when a man walked on the moon?"
Me: "No it was a way long time before that."
D: "Like when you were a baby?"
----
Me: "D, if you eat one bite of this pesto I will buy you a Cars car carrier."
D: "How about you make something that's not green or white or brown and I'll eat it and then you can buy me a car carrier."

7/9/09
Me: "Daddy's going to St. George."
D: "How come?"
Me: "For a skimboard competition."
D: "Oh. Is he just going to stand in the river the whole time?"
Me: "Yes."
D: "And get naked??"

7/4/09
While watching fireworks...
"That one looked like a bean! Or a noodle!!"
"That one was so stretchy! Stretchy time!"
"Why's it so steamy?"

7/3/09
Today I buzzed D's hair.
Paul: "D, come snuggle with us!!"
D (in a super-whiny voice): "No. I don't want to mess up my new haircut."
----
"I don't want to wear my hat it's going to damage my new haircut!"

7/2/09
Me: "Do you know who George Washington was?"
D: "No."
Me: "He was the very first president. Do you know who the president is today?"
D: "No."
Me: "Yes you do!"
D: "Barack Obama. He's silly."
----
While Nana and Papa were visiting we went to Toys 'R' Us where they bought, among other things, an instructional dance DVD (classics like the Electric Slide, YMCA, Macarena...). It cost $1.50. After watching about five minutes of it, D said, "Take it home. And don't forget it!"
----
On our way to the store...
Me: "D, do you see Utah Lake?"
D: "Ya!"
Me: "Look at how big it is!"
D: " Does it go into space??"
----
"I have drops of lightning on my window."
----
D gave Snacks a huge hug and after a second said (in a kind of sing-song voice), "Brothers...dot com!"

7/1/09
Today I was trying to teach D a little about the Pledge of Allegiance.
Me: "I pledge allegiance to the..."
D: "Aquabats"

6/29/09
"Looks like a cool day to go on a walk tonight."
----
Paul: "D, do you want to say prayers?"
D: "No, you say it since I have a loose tooth." (He doesn't have a loose tooth.)
----
Me: "Does your tooth still hurt?"
D: "No, it's just freaking out because I got a new train."
----
Paul: "You have to be in bed at 9:00."
D: "Uh, that's so early!"
----
Uncle Jeff and D checking out the toilet tank...
D: "Why does the water do that?"
Jeff: "The water drains out of the back of the toilet so that it can fill up the toilet bowl."
D: "So the fish don't die??"

6/27/09
Nana bought a two-pack of brooms at Costco - normal size and compact. Uncle Jeff was taking the compact one for his new apartment but it was at our house for a few days and D was using it. He thought it was perfect for him because it was small.
D: "I missed you."
Jeff: "I missed you too buddy!"
D: "Could you buy me a broom and not take it to work?"

6/23/09
D: "I sound so thick after eating that big piece of cantaloupe."
Me: "What does that mean?"
D: "Like a long, long, long, long sock."

6/21/09
Tonight we had corn on the cob.
D: "Hey mom, I just ate this cobweb. It tasted good."

6/9/09
D and Snacks are sharing a room now. I don't know how long it's going to last. Last night they were both up until 10:00. Over the monitor we heard...
D: "Go crazy, go crazy, go crazy, go crazy, go crazy..."
D: "Snacks! That's probably the worst idea ever!"

6/3/09
"I'm a nacho-gator."
----
While we were taking a walk today D found a little Olympics charm or something on the sidewalk. He showed it to Paul when we got home.
Paul: "See this [the rings] means it's from the Olympics."
D: "Is that where the Audi came from too?"
----
"Did you know that yellow ants are yellow?"
----
Today I was trying to get the batteries out of D's little music push car...
Me: "I just can't get this off. I don't know what's wrong with it."
D: "It was probably made in China."
Me: "It actually was!"

6/1/09
Paul and D were going for a walk around the block. D saw a tree with a yellow ribbon tied around it...
"Why does that tree have a tie on? Is it going to church??"

5/18/09
Paul: "You need to walk like this, like Saturday Night Fever."
D (in a whiny voice): "No. I don't have a fever."

5/14/09
Today D and I were discussing how he used to live in heaven before he lived here. (He asked me how old he was when he lived in heaven. I told him I didn't know.)
D: "Did I like it there?"
Me: "Yes you did because you lived with Heavenly Father and Jesus."
D: "Did Jesus smile at me?"

5/9/09
Me: "Come on. We're going to the bathroom to finish brushing your teeth."
D: "How come??"
Me: "Because you just spit toothpaste all over my pants."
D: "Was it Crest?"

5/7/09
D: "Show me a game on your phone."
Me: "I don't have my phone and the only games I have anyway are Scrabble and Tetris."
D: "You should upload some more games."
Me: "I'm not going to download any games because it costs money. But if I did what games would you want me to get?"
D: "Provo College, Scrabble, and shower. You should upload a game."
Me: "No because it costs money and I don't have any money."
D: "You should just get some money."
Me: "Where am I going to get money?"
D: "At the money store."
----
Papa gave D a cool visual dictionary. D's favorite part is the Human Body. He wants to read it all the time. One day we were looking at the page that shows a baby developing. I showed D the pictures of the baby at different stages and when I got to the 9-month-old baby...
D: "And then they cut the baby out?"
Me: "That's sometimes how it happens. That's how you and Snacks both came out."
D: "And when I came out was I super cute??"

4/30/09
"Am I cracking you up???"
----
D: "I need my own computer."
Papa: "What are you going to do with your own computer?"
D: "Just play games...do business..."
Papa: "What kind of business?"
D: "EOS business."
----
On a regular driving route...
Me: "D look at all the sheep in the field."
D: "How come there are no sheep in that field?"
Me: "I don't know."
D: "Guess they got blowed away on the mountain."
Me: "Guess so."

4/18/09
Tonight D and Snacks are sharing a room. I told D to sing some songs to Snacks so that he wouldn't cry. The lullabies began with some cute primary songs and ended with about five rounds of...
"Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg; Batmobile lost its wheel and the Joker got away, hey!"

4/13/09
Today D and I were coloring...
D: "Why are you coloring his hair yellow?"
Me: "People have all different colors of hair. What color is your hair?"
D: "Brown."
Me: "What color is my hair?"
D: "Brown."
Me: "What color is Nana's hair?"
D: "Blond. We should get daddy some hair."

4/5/09
Before D went to bed he requested a snuggle from Uncle Jeff...and then...
D: "Go sleep downstairs."
Jeff: "What?"
D: " This is my room. You need to sleep downstairs."
----
"I just peed in the bathtub."

4/4/09
Jeff: "Take a chill pill Bill."
D: "Take a pill Bill dill."

3/29/09
"Canada is my favorite state."
----
"Remember that one time we went to my preschool...like a long time ago...like 30 miles ago?"

3/26/09
Paul: "I can't wait until Snacks is a little older so he can play with you. He can play cars, run around..."
D: "eat macaroni and cheese..."

3/25/09
Somebody put together some nuts and bolts in D's toolbox.
D: "Who did that?"
Me: "I don't know. Did Uncle Jon do it?"
D: "Ya! Uh, actually it was probably daddy. He does cool stuff like that."

3/20/09
While perusing the Toys 'R' Us catalog...
D: "A cup of bike."
Paul: "What?"
D: "Just put the bike in a cup, squish it down, and pour some juice on it. Then when you ride it, it will be really juicy."

3/17/09
Today I was putting the clean silverware away.
D: "Snacks' spoon is in the wrong place!"
Me: "No, that's where all of his spoons go, see?"
D: "In case of an emergency?"

3/16/09
Tonight for family night we watched a slideshow/movie of Uncle Jeff's mission.
Jeff: "D, are you excited to watch the movie of when I went on a mission?"
D: "Ya. Did Nana and Papa go too?"
Jeff: "No, just me."
D: "Did I go too?"
Jeff: "No."
D: "Why?"
Jeff: "Because you were too little."
D (looking up): "And was I looking up like this?? Was I looking at a beetle??"

3/12/09
Today D was outside playing in his sandbox. Me and Snacks were going to walk around the block. Halfway down the street I heard D crying and screaming so I hurried back to the house. He was totally freaking out. Because there was a bug in his sandbox (a wasp). Later I asked him why he was so upset about a bug in his sandbox and he told me that he was crying because he didn't want the bug to get dirty.

3/11/09
D: "Can you find out what is wrong with the computer?"
Me (after some internet troubleshooting): "I don't know what's wrong with it, buddy. I can't figure it out. It's just not working."
D: "It probably can't breathe good."

3/6/09
Paul (trying to talk D into going to the bathroom): "Do you want to go pee in the sink?" (Don't worry, we would never let him go pee in the sink.)
D: "Ya! So I can put the fire out?"
(Yesterday he saw a picture of an un-named uncle extinguishing a campfire in an, er, unconventional way.)

2/23/09
D: "I have to poop!"
Me: "Okay, let's go!"
D: "Stores make me have to poop."
Me: "Oh ya? Like what store?"
D: "Like Michaels."

2/22/09
After I got D out of his bath tonight...
D: "Carry me!"
Me: "You carry ME!"
D: "I can't!"
Me: "Why?"
D: "Because you're too large and in charge."
----
Whenever brother tries to chew on one of D's toy animals: "Don't chew on that, Snacks! It's made in China!"

2/16/09
This will be funny if you are reading it out loud to someone else with no explanation before...
D went with Jeff to Redbox tonight to return a movie. While they were in line...
D: "When I came with Daddy we saw lots of Noddy pictures on the Redbox."
Jeff (scared): "What do you mean, buddy? Why?"
D: "Because kids really like Noddy."
(Noddy is some lame kids cartoon on TV that now has movies too. Unless you know that [which why would Uncle Jeff know that??], "Noddy" just sounds like "naughty".)

2/14/09
Today Uncle Jeff was blowing his nose. He could tell that D was sort of startled by the noise...
Jeff: "What did that sound like, D?"
D: "Smelled like nose beef."

2/11/09
"I want some of those noodles for dinner because they are so freaky."

2/8/09
"My stomach's real full, can you see my muscles?"

2/7/09
"This yogurt tastes like poop salsa."

1/30/09
D: "Mmmm...that smells good."
Me: "Do you like that? It's called rubbing alcohol. It kills buggies."
D: "And then they stop dancin'??"

1/27/09
"My stomach feels like it wants to go to bed."

1/25/09
Me and D were eating Jelly Bellies the other day. I could smell one that he was chewing on and it smelled good. I told him that it smelled good and asked him what it tasted like. He said it tasted like Kitten Grey (the color of one of his markers).
----
The other day I was blessing the food...
Me: "Please bless Uncle Jeff to have a safe trip..."
D (interrupting): "Please bless Uncle Jon"
Me: "Please bless Uncle Jon..."
D: "Please bless Uncle Jon...grateful that he toots...and make it smells."

1/24/09
The other day I was putting brother down for a nap and D was "helping" me. Well, he ended up falling asleep on brother's floor. So after brother woke up from his nap I was trying to wake D up and he wasn't budging. Finally he woke up. I asked him if he took a little nap and he groggily said, "I just passed out."

1/7/09
Me: "D, when did you get to be such a big boy?"
D: "Like January or something."

12/22/08
We got some Christmas cards in the mail today. D opened up the first one, studied the manger scene on the card for a minute, and then said, "It's from Jesus!"

12/21/08
I took D with me to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned. While we were there, the hygienist was trying to chat with D a little...

Hygienist: Are you excited for Christmas?
D: Uh-huh.
Hygienist: Are you excited to see Santa?
D: No. I don't like Santa.
Hygienist: Don't you want him to bring you presents?
D: No. We'll just wrap our own presents.

12/13/08
Paul: "Why do you like Christmas?"
D: "Because it's cute."

12/11/08
Me: "D, Ryan wants to know what you want for Christmas."
D: "A big walking yogurt."

12/10/08
One morning at 6:00 am: "Dad, I'm starving my brains out."
----
D: "What is that?"
Me: "Soup"
D: "What's in it?"
Me: "Noodles... carrots... celery... chicken..."
D: "...mice..."

12/7/08
D held up two tortilla chips and said, "This one is like a Twinkie weiner sandwich and this one is like Batman."

12/6/08
"We should figure out how we could put him back in your tummy." (in reference to brother)
----
"What kind of Christmas tree should we get? We should get a horse one! No!!! They probably don't have any horse ones..."
----
D: "Where's KOZY 106.5 on your computer?"
Me: "I don't have it on my computer. It's only on the radio."
D: "We should download it on your computer."

12/1/08
D's version of Feliz Navidad:
"...I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of the sea..."

11/16/08
"We should go to the moon for Christmas."
----
Me: I just had to clean out brother's nose with the boogie getter.
D: Why?
Me: Because he had boogies running down his face.
D: Did they have legs?

11/13/08
"Daddy should have some applesauce 'cause he finished all his dinner."

11/12/08
D calls Wisconsin "Wisconference".
----
D always asks if he can carry little brother. When I ask him where he is going to take him, he always says, "to the hospital".

11/9/08
D's version of I Am a Child of God:
"...has given me an earthly home, with parents kind of dear..."

10/31/08
Our friends had twins yesterday. Today D said, "We could have two babies. And we could call them twins. And we could call one of them Grape Ape."
----
"Trick-or-Treaters are coming. Maybe it's Sarah Palin!"

10/29/08
D sings "I've Been Workin' on the Railroad" all the time. Today, instead of singing the normal lyrics, he was just singing the words "Made in China" over and over.

10/24/08
D was looking through a magazine today and saw a picture of Santa Claus. He said, "What's Jesus doin'?"
----
D was washing some lettuce for dinner and he said, "This lettuce isn't good. It has dog poop on it."
----
D heard a car door shut outside tonight. He asked who was knocking on the door. I told him that it was just a car door outside. He said, "Was it a ghost? Was it the Holy Ghost?" He keeps asking Paul if Paul is going to be the Holy Ghost for Halloween.

10/22/08
We are grudgingly transitioning from nap time to quiet time. Today I went to check on D in quiet time and I found him asleep in his doorway, facing his window. When I woke him up (it was after 4:00) I asked him if he took a nap after all. He said, "No, I was just looking at that yellow tree out my window."

10/17/08
D to Paul: "Can I get a big pumpkin like yours 'cause I'm growing."

10/14/08
"Think I have to poop again 'cause I had two toots. Can you say two toots??"

10/12/08
Early one morning (like 5:00 a.m.) D was sleeping in our bed. (If he times it just right, he actually can come climb in our bed and we are too comatose to notice.) Well, he was taking up half of the bed, kicking Paul in the back, and mumbling something. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "Daddy's touching me."

10/5/08
"Did you hear my quiet toot?"

9/26/08
Yesterday D told our friend Ryan that he had a meeting at 7:00 at the church today for baseball stuff.

9/22/08
Paul and D were playing in D's room today and they were listening to the radio. I overheard this conversation:

Paul: Do you need to go potty?
D: No.
Paul: Looks like you're doing the pee dance.
D: No, I'm just dancing to your tunes.

He uses this excuse a lot - it's a classic.

9/20/08
Last night when D was "going to bed" he said his tummy hurt. I asked him why and he said that he thought he needed some food in it. After I informed him that he JUST ate a peach and a yogurt, he continued on to say that it hurt because it had a pine needle in it.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Bathroom humor

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